Recently after coming back from vacation, my daughter pointed out something about me that caused me to sit down at the feet of God. She said, "Mom, I notice when you get around other people you act differently." My initial thought was to defend myself, but instead, I began to examine my behavior and interactions over the past year. I did not realize that I was still wrapped up in people bondage to the point where I have been afraid just to be myself. See this started to happen due to me trying so hard to be different than my past that I began to seek out what others were doing in their lives. If I saw someone who seemed financially or spiritually well off, then I wanted to emulate them. So instead of progressing the way God wanted me to grow in my journey, I ended up birthing confusion within myself.
As I sat on the floor in my bedroom on Mother's Day with a moment to myself (shout out to my husband for cooking breakfast while watching our seven-month-old son and six-year-old daughter), I decided to take some time to communicate with God. In my conversation with my Heavenly Father, I thanked Him for all he has done for my family and me then proceeded to share with him the many dreams and changes I would like to see in my life. As I poured out all of my deepest thoughts, feelings and more specifically my anxiety about completing the book He asked me to write, I started to realize just how filled with impatience I am about enduring the process towards the vision He has given me in this season. I quickly noticed that I want all the things He has promised me to manifest now. And I do mean RIGHT NOW!
The past few weeks have proven challenging for me due to an overwhelming amount of setbacks. My computer recently died, and after my husband had taken a look at it, we discovered it was the hard drive which was causing me problems. (I am still praising the Lord it was not the motherboard because I can't replace a whole computer at this time!) So we ordered another hard drive and began to install it, only to find it would not fit properly into the tower we have. Also while we were waiting to see what was wrong with the computer, a neighbor of ours suggested I blog from my phone. Well, I looked up the app that I used before to blog with from my phone when I first started out, only to find that my phone is no longer compatible with that app. Also, it seemed every time I wanted to write, either for the blog or the book I am working on, there would be a series of distractions or obligations which required my immediate attention. So I quickly found myself becoming more and more discouraged. I even began to stop talking with God because I did not want to sound like I was complaining just as the children of Israel had done when they left Egypt (found throughout the books of Exodus and Numbers). I got so depressed because here I am finally stepping out on faith, wanting to change my life, and now I have to deal with all of this too! I just wanted to give up and quit!
Looking back over my journal entries from last year revealed one reoccurring theme to me. Just how much I lived by my emotions. Not only was I pregnant during this time but to top it all off, I truly endured some rather trying test and trials. So I wanted to explore this topic because, in a sermon, I heard a pastor say "As long as you can be moved, you can't be effective!" This statement struck a chord with me because I've experienced plenty of moments where I have allowed my feelings to run the course of my day, in turn, causing me not to get much, if anything, accomplished.
Have you ever received a promise from God, but it seemed to be taking its time to manifest? I know the feeling. Right now, I am still waiting for some things that God has shown me in my dreams to manifest from the spiritual realm to the physical. I completely understand not wanting to wait and starting to manufacture your own blessing out of becoming impatient. The Holy Spirit has had to constantly remind me of 2 Peter 3:8-9 KJV which says "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day. The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance." The hope that resonates in these verses comes from the fact that God does not view time the same way that we do and thank God for it!
The saying "Life is a marathon, not a sprint" is echoed in Ecclesiastes 9:11 KJV which says "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." I used to think that life was a sprint to see who could get to the finish line the fastest. Especially when I saw those around me getting new opportunities or doors opened for them. It seemed as if they were constantly passing me by. I became more of aware of this feeling of being left behind when I sat down to dinner with engineers and realized I was the only one who did not have a prestigious degree. Also, the feelings became more amplified due to many pastors I listened to were preaching about finding one's God-given purpose and I still did not know mine. So I started reflecting over my life wishing I had done many things differently in my past. But God was so merciful to remind me that the season I was in was not in vain.