I wish I could say I have a "perfect" marriage or know couples who have it all together but that is just not the case. What I have learned throughout the years is that marriage is a learning and growing experience. Each day I get to see this growth as I draw nearer to God and place him first not only in my life but my marriage as well. I can still recall the day when I prayed for God to mold me into the perfect helpmate for my husband. I was not quite sure how this could be possible, especially because I did not know what parts of my character would have to be sacrificed to make this desire a reality. At the time when I said this particular prayer, I did not know it would require me stepping aside many times to allow God's transforming power to work within me. So without further ado here are lessons 6-11 and be sure to click on 11 Years, 11 Lessons (Part One) for 1-5 in this series.
November 14, 2009, is the day my life changed forever. It started out like any other day where I had to get ready for my shift at work, but something felt different. I could not put my finger on it, but my spirit could sense there was a disturbance happening in the atmosphere. As I neared the last couple of hours before heading home, I received a strange phone call from my husband letting me know my mother had called him and that I needed to leave work immediately. Quickly, my heart sank because I felt the seriousness in his voice and wondered if it had something to do with my father even though my husband did not mention him over the phone. So I quietly pulled my manager aside and said, "I need to leave right now because something is wrong with my father." As I got into the car, I quickly found the drive home to be challenging as my mind began to race with all kinds of thoughts.
I will never forget the day when my daughter said to her father that she did not trust him. Her words pierced me to my core and forced me to examine what I was demonstrating to her in my relationship with my husband. So allow me to back up for a minute and explain how this came about.
One day, my husband came home and suggested that we should have family night at the movies. At the time, I was pregnant and not really feeling like going out but went ahead with this plan anyway. After arriving, we walked arm in arm toward the theater and I saw some trash on the ground so I decided I would pull us around it. (Mind you...I was in the middle of our arm chain trying to lead!) Also, that same night as we were leaving, my husband guided us toward an exit and I asked if it was an emergency exit. It was at this moment that my daughter stated those heart-wrenching words.
Why does it seem like new beginnings are birthed in the midst of a storm?
This question came to mind last night while I was looking through past journal entries. Here is the part of my prayer to God that sparked my question above...
"Lastly thank you for the confirmation with the pregnancy test. Please lead, protect and help me through this new journey. You have done it before and I know you will do it again."
Many times we try to do too many things on our own and as a result, we find ourselves worn out to the point of exhaustion. Then after it is too late, we notice the effect of trying to do it all by ourselves especially through the people around us.
Well, this is my life right now. Being a SAHM (stay at home mom) of two children and a wife, I feel like I have too much on my plate sometimes. I am normally multitasking to the point that I don't know if I am coming or going. Many times I work myself beyond the point of exhaustion which causes me to be cranky as my daughter points out often. The Holy Spirit showed me that when I don't spend time in the Bible or in prayer that my spirit starts to harden and then that hardness begins to manifest into my physical being as well. This, in turn, effects my family because I can become unpleasant to be around due to the anger and anxiety which has built up over time.
Lately, I have been struggling a little with breastfeeding. There is this pain that is triggered on one side and it causes me great discomfort. With my son being less than 2 months old, breastfeeding is the route I really want to go and I have been praying I can make it to a year.
This small bump in our journey made me feel bad to the point where I believed that I may not be able to continue. I even started to think that my milk supply may not be enough. As I went to pump the side that is sore, I began to speak words of encouragement over myself. Things like God made your body for your son so you will produce what he needs or your milk supply will be sufficient in the name of Jesus.